Bad dream — The pain
Where the pain is inevitable.!
This read is about the bad dream which is explicitly experienced by me the day when I’m writing this. This read focuses on a single reader where she must understand the unavoidable reality whom she is a very reality-speaking person.
By today morning at 7.00 am I woke up from bed because I developed Shortness of Breath then I had a glass full of water and slowly moved to another room and laid down on the bed. As it was Saturday there’s no early work. So I close my eyes and begin to sleep a little.
The dream started with a fine morning where I was in my trading setup analyzing the chart. By my side, my girlfriend’s friend is working on some TCS project. It all seems like I hired him to get in touch with my girl for some more time. They seemed to fix a project which needs to be fixed immediately as the client meeting will be in 2 hrs. I’m not a technical person now but from the knowledge, I had on my college education and from the experience. I helped them to fix the problem. As my girl didn’t speak much to me these days and I am also quite tired of asking her time to spend with me, I made that guy work with me as I even hear my girl’s voice but she’s unaware of what I did.
She asked that colleague boy how you gathered this much intelligence on a single day. And he exposed me. A guy named Arun helped me, he made me work from here for TCS and he’s paying for that too. He said he’s just crazy. She inquired who is the guy. And he mentioned my name as Arun and he further said he didn’t know why he’s paying for working from here for another company. He usually wants me to connect the call where we have meetings or fixing like this. She asked him, “I think I knew him. Does he still at the conference and may I speak to him.?”. He acknowledged that I’m still on the call and hearing this conversation.
She called me by my name, “Arun. Do you hear me.? Are you on the call. ? If so speak to me. I know that you are doing this to hear my voice. If so why don’t you speak now.” I unmute the mic and said, “Oyee… Yes, I’m”. She then said me to stop playing this nonsense. I replied politely I’m having only this much sense Kannama. And I’m not playing, I’m living by hearing your voice. And then the conversation continued she asked me, How I was doing and what are the pieces of stuff that I’m currently in & some basic interview questions. Then asked the most asked question, “Why are you like this da idiot.?”. I replied the same answer I used to say, “I’m your idiot. So why. And I’m good.”
The undigestable Pain
Then she suddenly said this thing. I don't want to hear this till my last breath. I don’t know what will I do, how my life will be, how I react to this. During the days where we lived for ours whenever I hear these words, ‘Bad news’ I pray this must not be that single thing. But the time had come and I think all my prayers were not attended by any single God and my angel that I worship day-to-day. She started with, “I want to tell you something. I got engaged”. On hearing this my heart really stopped the beat. My eyes were tearful. My whole body is shaky. The words stuck between my throat and mouth. It took me a couple of minutes asking something of some sort, “Who is he.? And how .? Do you really like him.” She replied, “ It’s my parents' selection. I spoke to him and he also seems nice. So I said okay.” I further asked, “Do you really like him.?” She replied, “Yeah he is also from my hometown. Finished his graduation and now doing farming. His house is also nearby. So it's easy for me to come to my home by walk. And his parents also seemed to be nice. I trust he will take care of me” I asked, “Did you said about us.?” She replied, “Yes he knew it. He is an easy-going person. In fact, he allowed me to speak with you at any time if I’m within the limit.” I asked her, “Do him and me the same.? Enna vida nalla paththupangala kannama.?” She replied, “Mudinji ponadha pesi onnum nadakka poradhilla Arun. Try to get out from that. It’s done. Don‘t hurt yourself with all the past things” I said , “Mudiyuradhukku munadiye nee pesirundha ipo indha kastam indha feel thevai illaye di.” She said, ‘I just want to say this. Move on Arun. You have life’ I didn’t utter a word. I just stayed calm on the line. She said “Tata da”. I don't have any words for her.
I silently put the phone on the desk. I didn't have control of my thoughts from the brain as well as the tears from my eyes. This is the second thing that made me broken and I’m unsure whether I’ll patch again and I didn’t know whether I’ll move on. The first thing is “Hearing my Mom had passed away.” Literally then after she is my Mom. I developed many dependencies on her. But she… I don’t even realize what just happened.
I packed my clothes and things and planned to go away till I can until I forget her or I develop the capacity of acceptance. I threw my phone away during the journey towards my very first destination, Kanyakumari. I was sitting on the beach all alone having plenty of thoughts and the pain she offered me. A small pup came near me from nowhere and I gave it a biscuit and suddenly started speaking to it, “Neeyum enna madhri thaana.. unakum yarum illaya.? Atleast naan unna madhri irundhrundha Biscuit yaru kuduthrundhalum valndhrupen”. Then I took trains, buses even asking lifts to places all around randomly. Slowly the cash in my hands was vanishing and I didn’t take any card with me. Moved to a lot of places and lived there until I getting used to that place. My heart is just afraid that it will forget her. I want to forget the pain, not the love of my life. It seems like there were 5 years passed by, till that day I was in the hilly regions of the Himalayas.
In search of Peace
Himalayas- The place of eternal beauty. I had read a lot about the humble beauty of the Himalayas. I even visited it once. But this time everything seems different. I stay in my camp. I was looking like a “SAINT — Thick long grown beard near to the abdomen and the hair was almost 60cms long”. I wore a head cap that seems dusty, a sweater that has various sizes of holes at various locations, and that pant seems to be rusty about to be ripped apart. I hear some sound which was quite louder and unusual. When I unzipped the camp, I see there is a light snowfall.
I stepped out of the camp and sat on the wooden bench which was just in front of my camping location. I look at the sky humbly. I feel light and it all happens like I’m relaxed and the time for me to go back. I closed my eyes and experience that present moment. The snow-kissed me on my forehead like how she gives my favorite kiss- Controlling the breath, slowly joins her parted lips, and pressing those appealing lips against my forehead with a deep intense feel leaving little traces of her drool. It has been this many years but still, I remember how her kiss sounds and feels like. I just grinned and thought to myself that I would be her idiot whatever happens. My brain never stops thinking about her and my heart won’t stop its beat kannama.. kannama.. on her name.
I remember everything — her smell, face, look, tears, smile, kiss. But the one thing I forgot is her voice. My heart just stopped and feel the pain, “Saaguradhukku munadi avaloda kural orukavachu ketranum…” As the saying, “Walls have ears” Maybe it just worked on that scenario. To my surprise, I’m now hearing her voice. I hear it very near to me. My eyes suddenly started looking after her. She was sitting with her man at the opposite desk which was only a few feet away. At once I saw her face, I was completely frozen. My body hadn’t been this much delicate yet. I lost my control and just kneeled down on the ground and kissed the snow started crying uncontrollably. Her man looked at all these and said to her, “Andha paithiyakaran ah paaru.. unna pathu aludhuttu enamo panitu irukaan..”
I can’t write this further and I quit with this. Letting the end to be finished by her.
